Beauty Is Only Skin Deep...

Somebody out there clearly hates me.

My hands and legs won't stop shaking.

I hate boys. I want to cry.

 Today is my last day before starting my trek to losing 20 pounds. This means I will be spending the day stuffing my face with all of my favorite junk foods. I plan on going to chick fil a and ording a number 6 {and taking out the chicken of course} value sized with a lemonade. 3 packets of CFA sauce and a brownie ala mode. Then when I get to work, I will have a burrito. Tasty.

Yesterday, I decided that I HATE by job more than anything in the world. My pothead of a manager tells me to do all this shit...and he doesn't do anything. He goes and buys weed during his shift. And smokes it out back. How am I supposed to respect that???!! And I'm always the one that has to do the shitty jobs. It makes me feel as if I'm worthless. For example, this one gentleman proceded to vomit in the sink...TWICE.

And guess which lucky contestant got to clean it up...

Thats right. ME. I wanted to murder somebody. 

I think work was just the icing on the cake for me yesterday. The whole school dropping my classes ordeal and me not having my permit and all this stress...I wanted to c o ll a p se. I was about ready to explode. I was on the brink of tears for the longest time. I'm also PMSing which tends to make all dramatic situations worse. 

But hopefully things will get better. Starting today. I feel fat and ugly. Everybody at work keeps saying I look like Oprah and it really bothers me. I know its wrong but I'm very insecure about the fact that I'm half black and I hate when people point out things like that. I used to feel pretty, but not so much anymore. I want to feel good about myself.

Thats another reason why I hate my job. I'm always getting picked on. I hate being picked on. When its a joke I can handle it because I do pick on myself a lot. But when people tell you "wow you always make a mess don't you" or "ha you STILL don't know how to do that right" or "wow you can't do that?! you suck at life"

&& I can't always tell if they're joking or if they're serious and it really bothers me. I know it doesn't make any sense but people here are a lot different. I feel like I won't find people that I'll get along with. Mainly because how I look. You'd be surprised...

You'd think that in a southern state like Virginia people would be more racist than in Massachusetts, but that is so untrue. Its the complete opposite. I feel like I'll have a hard time fitting in here. We'll see. I really want to find friends.

Lately I've been having some REALLY strange dreams. A few days ago I had a dream that Oli Sykes, this kid Dylan, some fat girl Sarah I don't even know and I were watching a Jonas Brothers concert on television. And we were dancing and stuff. Then Dylan gave Oli these pills that made him like...high as fuck and he could barely even stand. So they took him up to bed and that girl Sarah followed and ended up having sex with him. And before I had been thinking about that but I was like no...he's messed up right now that would be wrong. But she did it and it pissed me off cuz she was fat.

Then I had a dream that Whitney Houston tried to kill one of my friends. She gave me this metal snake to put in her food. In 3 days it would explode and kill her. And I wouldn't do it so she came back for me.

And I had a weird dream last night but I can't remember it right now.

This morning I woke up to Matt petting me on the head telling me "No what did you do's today!"

When the dog does something bad Matt says "What did you do?!" and before he leaves the house he tells the dog "no what did you do's today!"

I don't know I thought it was funny.

I love the fact that I have a livejournal. Except I highly doubt anybody gives a shit about my life. Last night I talked to Mariah about something that really strikes a nerve with me and I thought I would share.

I am 18 years old. A legal adult. My mother died a year ago and my father is MIA. I lived with my grandparents until recently...when they kicked me out. So here I am in lonely Massachusetts temporarily living with my mothers ex boyfriend until I can move in with my aunt. Every day I get more and more depressed. I hate being here. Everybody thinks I should stay here but I want to go back to Virginia. All I want is to be happy, but everybody makes me feel as if I'm being selfish. But that is not being selfish. I think my mother dying did something to me. I just want to be happy. She was not happy. Being impulsive makes me happy. I'm very impulsive. They want me to join the Air Force.

and to that I say...

Hell Fucking No.

Nothing against the airforce...its just not for me. What happens when BMTH comes to town. And I can't go see them. I might as well die haha.

I want to be able to make my own decisions and not have to answer to anybody. Maybe I'm just being young and stupid. All young people want to be on their own and then regret it. But I don't have any parents. So why should I have to answer to anybody. I can very well take care of myself. I don't understand. Maybe some of you can give me some insight.

<3 Chelz

{OH WoRd?!}

Yeah! Deff! I tend to touch or rub my nose when I'm nervous.

Weird...

I know

I need to get out of this house. I have this feeling of guilt right now because I need to go out and get a job. My motivation for a job isn't what it should be:

1. I need to go to school
2. I need to get an apartment
3. I need my family to know I'm taking life seriously

Nope. I need money for music. September is a suicide season a big month. 




<3 Chelz